Adoption Terminology: Words Matter

Sara (adoptee), Kelsey (birth mom) and Lori (adoptive mom) offer their perspectives on various words people in the triad are called, like “ungrateful adoptee,” “first mom,” and “adoptoraptor.” Plus, other phrases like “put up” vs “placed for” adoption, “Real Mom,” “Gotcha Day,” “Tummy Mummy,” “adoption triad” vs “adoption constellation,” and more.

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“The comment you made about how a birth mother may change the language she uses to describe her experience? I’m glad you said this. In the group I facilitate we asked the other women how they describe their adoption. There was one that made every woman in our group stop and nod their heads: I lost my child to adoption.“
— Nikki

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Sara, Kelsey, and Lori reveal candid perspectives on adoption—along with those of 50 other adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and allies—in their recent book, Adoption Unfiltered, now available by Rowman & Littlefield.

“Easterly, Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Holden model beautifully in Adoption Unfiltered the complexities of the Both/And of adoption.”
—ASTRID CASTRO, adoptee and CEO/Founder of Adoption Mosaic
“The rare opportunity to experience an adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive mother communicating honestly and compassionately offers a much-needed model for those navigating the inevitable tensions and joys that exist in adoption.”
—ANGELA TUCKER, adoptee and author of You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity and Transracial Adoption
“Nuanced and thought-provoking, this book should be required reading for everyone, from adoptees and their families to adoption professionals and policymakers. This book is a true gem that offers a unique perspective on adoption and illuminates the way forward for understanding, healing, and growth.”
—BETSIE NORRIS, adoptee; founder and executive director of Adoption Network Cleveland
“As both scholarly examination and deeply personal narrative, this is a carefully crafted, highly respectful, broadly readable examination of adoption. This is a meeting of minds, hearts, advocacy, and empathy. There’s just so much here!”
—GLENN MOREY, adoptee and creator of the Side by Side project and the New York Times Op Doc and Audible Original Given Away
“Adoption Unfiltered is what happens when people really speak up and listen to each other in community and invites us to embrace its lessons of enlightenment and the possibility of personal and systemic change. This authentic, dynamic, and unique work is an important contribution to the adoption canon.”
—SUZANNE BACHNER, adoptee; author and director of the award-winning play The Good Adoptee
“As a person adopted in the 1960s, this is the kind of ground-breaking book I wish my adoptive parents had read. It does not shy away from the harsh realities of what adoption truly means to everyone. The pages are full of honest accounts of the emotional impact to all parties. I identified with it all and read each word with relief that this factual book is now informing our culture.”
—ZARA PHILLIPS, adoptee, singer, songwriter, playwright, and author of Somebody’s Daughter
“I highly recommend Adoption Unfiltered for anyone but especially for the adoptee and their parents, biological and adoptive—and it should be mandatory reading in adoption education and for anyone considering adoption, as it will help prevent the ongoing trauma we adoptees typically experience in most adoptions to date.”
—LYNELLE LONG, adoptee and founding director of InterCountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV)
“Adoption Unfiltered is the most important book of our modern adoption generation. With grief and loss existing in a space with hope and healing, we finally get to see a glimpse of those lived experiences through adoption in a way that is relatable, educational, and tangible. We finally know better, and this book is doing better.”
—ASHLEY MITCHELL, birth mother and founder of Lifetime Healing Foundation
“Adoption Unfiltered is required reading for anyone who is part of the adoption constellation, including the central core triad. Using voices and perspectives from adoptees, birth parents, and adopting parents, this book reveals the inner thoughts, challenges, and possibilities each have experienced within themselves and the American culture, providing a map to navigate these complicated and complex roles.”
—SUSAN DEVAN HARNESS, adoptee and author of Bitterroot: A Salish Memoir of Transracial Adoption
“Adoption Unfiltered is a blazing, insightful, expansive, and informative triumph centering the lives of those touched by the complexities of adoption. The trio of authors present a masterwork that blends the perspectives and challenges faced by adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents in a way that holds their shared humanity while challenging existing systems in adoption.”
—TONY HYNES, adoptee, author of The Son With Two Moms, and training specialist at Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.)
“Finally … a truth-telling book that validates the lived trauma of adoption and shows a way out of the suffering through truth, courage, grieving, and change. The stories are moving, the analysis is sound, the compassion is comforting, and the call for change is clear. We must not and cannot remain unmoved. Adoption Unfiltered is a must-read for all who care, whether personally involved in a story of adoption or not.”
—GORDON NEUFELD, PHD, clinical psychologist, founder of the Neufeld Institute, and bestselling author of Hold On to Your Kids
“Adoption Unfiltered casts a clear, unflinching eye on the complexities, inequities, and failures of the adoption system, pointing to the need for a more ethical practice that centers the wellbeing of adoptees while considering all members of the adoption constellation.”
—B.K. JACKSON, editor, Severance Magazine
“Adoption Unfiltered belongs in the hands of all adoptive parents and those considering becoming one, natural parents who have endured adoption’s loss, adult adoptees who are on the journey of putting themselves together—and everyone working in the field of adoption. Expect to be surprised.”
—LORRAINE DUSKY, birth parent and author of Hole in My Heart and Birthmark
“Writing across their own divergent standpoints as adoptee, birth parent, and adoptive parent, the authors create a unique space for honing skills in listening and communicating across difference—essential for today’s often polarizing family communicative environment.”
—ELIZABETH A. SUTER, PHD, adoptive parent, professor of Communication Studies at University of Denver, adoption researcher, and adoption educator
“Adoption Unfiltered provides a clear-eyed look at adoption from those most impacted—adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. I appreciated that they neither overly praise nor condemn the institution of adoption. Rather, they allow space for both the beauty and pain, aiming to make life better for this current generation of adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents.”
—DAWN DAVENPORT, adoptive parent and executive director of Creating a Family
“Brilliantly written, Adoption Unfiltered may not be an easy read (because of the way it challenges old ideas), but it skillfully and thoroughly probes the societal narrative about adoption, leaving the reader to deeply re-examine their own beliefs. Adoption Unfiltered should be mandatory reading for anyone contemplating entry into adoption, as well as for their friends, co-workers, and family members.”
—KATIE BIRON, foster/adoptive parent; creator of the Family Connections Program™ and author of The Love Tree
“Adoption Unfiltered is a book we must gather around in the adoption community so we can share among the general public. Adoption is still largely misunderstood and the system of adoption in the U.S. is in need of an overhaul. It is clear from the first pages of Adoption Unfiltered that the voices within it are raising ALL the issues that should be considered as we move forward in evolving adoption in America and elsewhere.”
—REBECCA RICARDO, LCSW, adoptee, birth parent, and executive director of C2Adopt
“Adoption Unfiltered is a well-researched tapestry of adoptee, birth/first family, and adoptive parent voices, experiences, and resources expertly woven into a pathway of hope for future generations. The trio of authors have created a space for compassionate truism while dispelling myths with the hard facts about the complexities of adoption.”
—MARCIE J KEITHLEY, first parent, co-founder/executive leader of National Association of Adoptees and Parents (NAAP), and author of The Shoebox Effect: Transforming Pain Into Fortitude and Purpose
“It’s never been more important for all parties of the adoption constellation to come to the table to craft essential reform. Change can’t happen, however, until we all have a better understanding of each other’s perspectives. Adoption Unfiltered has the ability to do just that—break down the walls to start candid conversations.”
—REBECCA VAHLE, MEd, adoptive parent; founder and executive director of Family to Family Support Network
“Adoption Unfiltered is not only an excellent resource, it is a needed, invaluable resource for every conversation and consideration of adoption—past, present, and future … As an adoptive parent who has felt the lack of substance and over-emphasis on adoptive parent voices and perspectives for far too long, this book deserves to lead and take up wide space.”
—TASHA JUN, adoptive parent and author of Tell Me the Dream Again: Reflections on Family, Ethnicity, and the Sacred Work of Belonging
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